Trent Hunter: This is ridiculous, making us wait out here. Don’t you know who I am? I’m frigging Trent Hunter.
X-Rated: Don’t forget me.
Dake Ken: Don’t worry, I’m sure you won’t let us. As much as we’d like to.
Suddenly, Elektra moves into line by X.
Elektra: Baby, don’t get me wrong. I’m glad to be seen in public again and I’m glad to be seen with you, but answer me one question.
Elektra: Why am I Trent’s guest instead of yours?
X-Rated: Well, you see, I invited someone, as kind of a fixer upper project. So I figured I’d let Trent have a sexy little hunny on his arm so the fans, well you know, so the fans wouldn’t think he was gay.
Trent Hunter: HEY!
Dake Ken: Don’t worry bout that X. From what I understand, all THOSE rumors circulate on you.
Elektra: EXCUSE ME?
X-Rated: I should smack you in your dirty little mouth.
Dake Ken: Just saying.
Elektra: Excuse me. There is no way that with ME on his arm that anyone in their right mind would think he’s gay.
Dake Ken: Well we don’t have to worry bout that technicality tonight now do we?
X-Rated: I’ll kill the little punk.
Trent Hunter: Relax. So X, where’s this “special needs project” of yours.
At that point Gretchen comes running up in a turtleneck and some nice pants.
Gretchen: Sorry I’m late. Traffic was a major problem tonight.
X turns and looks her over.
X-Rated: I’m sorry. Do I know you.
Gretchen: Uh, yeah. You invited me here tonight. I’m your assistant. Don’t you remember me?
X-Rated: Baby, I meet dozens of little people every day. Surely you don’t expect me to remember them all?
Gretchen: (sigh) Whatever.
X-Rated: So what’s your name again? Rachel?
Gretchen: No it’s Gretchen.
X-Rated: OH, you’ll never get anywhere....
Gretchen: Yea, yea, how about uh... Tiff?
X-Rated: Now, you’re thinking like a star.
Gretch... er Tiff: (sigh) Why do I always work for creeps like you?
X-Rated: And what is with that outfit? Surely you could’ve worn something a bit sexier?
Tiff: What’s wrong with this?
X-Rated: Baby it’s the nineties.
Elektra: Actually, ROMEO, it’s 2004.
X-Rated: Ladies need to show a little neck, and shoulders. And the ever-popular cleavage. Nothing boosts ratings like cleavage. And I’m not seeing any cleavage.
Elektra: You’re about to see a hand upside your face if you don’t start keeping your attention where it belongs.
Tiff: Yea, I’ll get right down to that.
X-Rated: Here I can fix that blouse for you.
Without warning, Elektra smacks him upside his head.
Elektra: Hands to yourself sparky.
X-Rated: Ow. What the hell is wrong with you.
Meanwhile, the line has barely inched forward so that the little group as now right in front of the door. Trent starts to move forward but the huge gorilla they have guarding the door puts his arm out to stop him.
Bouncer: Name sir?
Trent Hunter: Don’t you know who I am you big dumb bastard? I wrestle for this pissant fed.
Bouncer: Name sir?
Trent Hunter: I’m Trent Hunter you overgrown freak.
Bouncer: That name doesn’t sound familiar to me.
Trent Hunter: Check the list.
Bouncer: I don’t need to. I know who’s on it. And you aren’t.
X-Rated: Are you shitting me? This is ridiculous.
Trent Hunter: Listen here, you giant excuse for a dog turd. I’m going in here, one way or another. Through you or past you.
Bouncer: I’d like to see you try it.
Trent Hunter: Really? I’ll break my foot off in your ass.
At this point, you can see people in the line behind Trent being thrown left and right. Suddenly, two men, both bigger than the bouncer come forward. Their names are Brutus and Crusher, and they fit those names very well. Soon after they have parted the see of anxious participants in the show, Magnificent Mike Bradley walks through the gash in the crowd and addresses them both.
Mike Bradley: Good job boys. I think there’s a table inside that has our name on it.
Bouncer: Name sir?
Mike Bradley: Mike... aw screw it. This is more fun. Brutus, Crusher, take care of him.
The camera shows Trent, X, and Dake as the Truth Commission moves forward. Even those three grimace and wince at the carnage. Finally, the camera pans back to MMB.
Mike Bradley: Good work boys. Let’s get ourselves a seat.
As they enter, X and Trent look at each other and shrug.
Trent Hunter: Hey, you take what you can get.
They follow the Truth Commission in.
X-Rated: And speaking of nice. Dake, couldn’t you find anything else to wear?
Dake Ken: What’s wrong with what I’m wearing now?
X-Rated: Oh, I don’t know, Trent and I are wearing suits. Maybe torn jeans and a tee shirt just don’t say “classy” to me.
Fade from the XGWO crew to Gayfather.
A little ways back Gayfather is talking to Rainbow Brite. He’s wearing his commonplace suit and she is looking absolutely fabulous in a formal evening gown.
Abbie: I’m so happy I’m finally getting to spend the night in a five star hotel for this event.
Gayfather: Yea, it is pretty fancy.
Abbie: And more over, I’m glad we finally get to sleep together. I’m just...afraid that you don’t have......“protection”.
Gayfather: Oh, I’ve got protection. Watch.
He snaps his fingers and Madd Dogg appears out of nowhere, seeming to form out of midair. Rainbow Brite’s jaw drops as she looks at him.
Gayfather: Madd Dogg. The best protection money can buy. He says he’ll keep us safe in case anyone is after us.
Abbie: Yea, he’s certainly gonna prevent anything from happening.
Gayfather: Yup. I even gave him a bed in the corner so he doesn’t get cold waiting outside the door.
Abbie: Screw it. I’m getting my own room.
Fade From Gayfather and Rainbow Brite to David Baker.
David Baker: Why are we here again? I’m not getting any awards. I can see no reason to be here. This is a waste of time.
Stephanie: What we’re showing is that you’re a team player. That you’re there for the company.
David Baker: What? That’s stupid.
Stephanie: No, it’s smart. This is why I’m the manager and you’re the wrestler. You may have what it takes to be in the ring with the greatest wrestlers the world has ever seen. But you’re not too bright outside the ring. I am well versed in things like this, so just trust me. I know what I’m talking about here.
David Baker: Fine, but this better not be a waste of time.
Stephanie: It won’t be. Plus, I’ve got this feeling something big’s gonna go down tonight. And, maybe since we’re here, it’ll involve us.
David Baker: You really think I’m a great? I mean, I’ve had A LOT of losses.
Stephanie: You lost to Logan, the world champ. And you lost to Madd Dogg. Both of those are things to be proud of, not ashamed of. Do you know how many people would’ve backed down from those two? You not only got in the ring with them, you almost beat them both. Be proud of that.
David Baker: I knew there was a reason that I kept you around, besides the managing.
Stephanie: Yup, and don’t you forget it.
Fade from Baker to Neo and PC Cradle.
Neo and PC are standing near the end of the line.
PC Cradle: YEA! One more night of Seth’s bullshit. Why was it we really felt we had to come here tonight?
Neo: Well, for me, it’s the free food.
PC Cradle: Yea, that’s a good point.
Neo: Plus, I’d have to say you’re a shoe in for Wrestler of the Year.
PC Cradle: I don’t know.
Neo: Come on dude. I can tell you’re not going to walk out of here tonight empty handed. And hell, even if you do, at least we’ll get full stomachs out of this.
PC Cradle: You’ve got a point there, Neo. Can’t argue with that.
The cameras fade from the outside scenes and the song “Broken” by 12 stones begins to play.
Alone again again alone
Patiently waiting by the phone
Hoping that you will call me home
The pain inside my love denied
Hopes and dreams swallowed by pride
Everything I need it lies in you
Close-up flashes of each WCF Superstar play across the screen. Defman, Dogg, PC Cradle, Logan, Gravedigger, Matthew Steele, the list goes on.
I question why you chose to die
When you knew your truth I would deny
You look at me
The tears begin to fall
And all in all faith is blind
But I fail time after time
Daily in my sin I take your life
All the hate deep inside
Slowly covering my eyes
All these things I hide
Away from you again
All this fear holding me
My heart is cold and I believe
Nothing’s gonna change
Until I'm broken
It flashes between some of the greatest standoffs yet. PC Cradle vs. Defman, Logan vs. Seth, Cyrus vs. Madd Dogg, Trent Hunter vs. Burn Out, etc.
‘Cause I’m broken
I know I need you now
‘Cause deep inside I'm broken
You see the way I live
I know I know your heart is broken
When I turn away
I need to be broken
Take the pain away
And now for some of the most violent scenes in WCF history:
PC Cradle being raised above the ground on hooks, Neo having to stave off a gang beating in an alley, Madd Dogg rising from a burning dumpster, Gravedigger owning the Gayfather, and the images get faster before slowly fading out to two big words
Seth Lerch: Welcome all my guests to the grand opening of “The Spotlight”. While Vince McMahon may have turned his back on the fans by closing “The World”, I know what you all want and I’m here to give it to you. Welcome, wrestlers, fans, and staff to my grand opening. And to commemorate this grand event, I made a statue of the man I built this company on, Logan. It is twenty feet tall and made of aluminum so it won’t be damaged by weather or freak accidents. And now, I present to you, “The Spotlight”.
Everyone claps as a cloth drops from an elaborate neon sign that displays the name of the building. The drape drops down to a sign that says “Now Open”. Workers pull off drapes from a giant Logan statue, which, not surprisingly is him looking quite smug.
Seth Lerch: Welcome everyone to the first ever “Slammy” awards. Enjoy yourselves, for tonight, everything is on the house. This will be my finest hour and I ask you all to join in on it. Lets go inside. Shannan, Kyle, are you there?
Kyle Steel: Yea Seth, we hear ya. We’re here inside “The Spotlight”, with all the WCF superstars. This will be a night to remember.
Shannan Lerch: Indeed it will. I can’t say what will happen tonight. But one things for sure, no one will ever forget tonight.
Kyle Steel: And it looks like former star, Rick Mad is going to kick this party off WCF style.
Rick Mad walks on stage in a long flowing robe with a beard and a sash that says 2003.
Rick Mad: The year was long and hard, and produced many problems for us. We are all glad to see the year go by.
Kyle Steel: I know I am.
Shannan Lerch: I had some good memories.
Rick Mad: So, let’s say a fond farewell with a huge blow out. Happy New Years.
He tears off the beard and robe the reveal, NOTHING BUT A SASH THAT SAYS 2004.
Rick Mad: Happy New Years everyone.
Kyle Steel: AW SICK!
Shannan Lerch: Nasty. Looks like someone forgot his new year’s diaper.
Kyle Steel: Get him off the stage. There are children in the audience. And I don’t like seeing it either.
Shannan Lerch: Doesn’t matter whether you’re male or female, straight or gay, there’s one thing we can all agree on. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE RICK MAD NAKED.
Kyle Steel: Security, do something.
Finally, after what seems an eternity, guards throw the robe back over him and drag him offstage.
Kyle Steel: Good riddance to the New Year’s hangover.
Shannan Lerch: I’m not hung over yet, but after seeing that, I need a drink.
Kyle Steel: I’ll get one for both of us.
Mike Bradley: Now, that was repulsive, grown men should not behave like that, don’t you agree, Smithers?
Smithers: I don’t know sir, I rather enjoyed it.
Mike Bradley: That’s disgusting Smithers. I never want to hear you say anything like that ever again.
Trent Hunter: Fucking sick, I can’t believe we’re paying for this.
Dake Ken: Actually, it’s free.
Trent Hunter: Oh, no, after seeing that, believe me, we paid. Oh God did we pay.
Dake Ken: Oh shut up, we all know you enjoyed it.
X-Rated: Are you trying to imply something.
Dake Ken: I don’t have to imply. It’s clear as day.
David Baker: You know Steph, I’m beginning to wonder if even the World title is worth THAT!
Stephanie: I don’t blame you. Even I wonder now.
Seth Lerch: I just thank God I wasn’t in there. Hearing it was bad enough.
WCF goes to commercial, but not soon enough.
Preparation H. Have that burning sensation, not feeling quite up to the day? Try the cream that WCF owner Seth Lerch says gets him through those extra long board meetings. Preparation H, ask for it by name.
St. John’s Aspirin. We used to call it Baby Aspirin. But then we found out that it either killed babies or made them retarded. So we changed the name to Heart Health pills. Same stuff, same effect, different name. We just hope to God that the FDA doesn’t find out anything else bad about us or we’re screwed, cause this is the only project we make.
And Microsoft. Slowly invading more and more of your world and turning you all into mindless zombies. Bill Gates is your God.
As WCF’s First Annual “Slammys" comes back from commercial, we see Creeper joking with his friends in the Headhunters.
Creeper: I’m gonna move on in the tournament WHAT? and whoop some ass WHAT? to get to the finals WHAT? And win the WCF World Title. WHAT? And that’s the bottom line, cause I said so.
All of the Headhunters laugh and congratulate him on his very first WCF win. He then walks into the bathroom, and begins doing his business in a urinal. Suddenly, a bald man with knee braces walks to the very next urinal. The back of his shirt says drink beer. Creeper looks over at him.
Creeper: Hey, you look familiar.
Man: I hear you like to steal catchphrases. WHAT? I say you like other people’s stuff. WHAT? You wanna try to be me? WHAT? Steal my ideas? WHAT? Be the toughest son of a bitch in the WCF today? WHAT? Shut up. You disgust me. You’re no STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. Hell, boy, all you are, is goo on my shoe!
Stone Cold starts whooping the holy hell out of Creeper. He starts Stomping away at him while the chant of What? Can be heard from the crowd. Creeper manages to get to his feet and stumbles right into a stunner. He drops to the ground. Austin turns around, and....it’s not Austin at all. The man pulls off his bald cap and knee braces. IT’S WRECK!
Wreck: Hell, son, you’re no Stone Cold. Get your own gimmick. God you suck.
He tosses the bald cap and braces onto Creeper.
Wreck: Hell, son, I have a little original business for you, if you wanna steal the Stone Cold gimmick. He did this little bit of business to Arn Anderson.
Wreck turns and faces Creeper. You hear a zip and he shakes a little. Fortunately, the camera blacks out, but not before you hear the sound of running water.
The scene switches to Seth. He is rubbing his temples talking to Ortega.
Seth Lerch: Who in God’s name chose those ads, they were AWFUL! I do NOT support Preparation H. Oh, God, now I look like a freak. And that Aspirin commercial. God respect for WCF has got to be dropping like young boys in front of Michael Jackson.
Davey Ortega: Uh, Seth we’ve been on the air for almost a minute.
Seth Lerch: So they heard the Michael...
Davey Ortega: Yes.
Seth Lerch: Oh, son of a bitch. Find the dude in charge of tonight and execute him. Firing isn’t good enough. Kill him. Cut his head off with a scimitar. And make it dull.
The screen flickers to a picture of a flag waving. Slowly the camera pans forward so you see Bobby Dole standing at a podium.
Bobby Dole: My follow Americans, my dear friends. In times as uncertain as these, we all need something to believe in. We all need reassurance. So let me be the rock that you put your faith on. All of you are probably thinking Bobby Dole, you were a great president in 2000, we would like you to resume that position again in 2004.
Hank Brown: Sir, you weren’t president...
Bobby Dole: Well, good people, there is nothing that Bobby Dole would like more. So vote me in for WCF World Champ in 2004. And vote for me for President as well. Remember, this land was made for you and me.
He ends the ad with the Nixon peace sign and the screen goes back to black.
Kyle Steel: what the hell was that?
Shannan Lerch: we’ll never know.
Kyle Steel: Are you sure? I think he’s on the roster.
Shannan Lerch: OK. Let me rephrase that. I HOPE we never know.
The camera switches to outside as Hank Brown is talking to fans.
Hank Brown: I’m outside here, talking to people in line, asking what they wanna see tonight.
Fan: I don’t care who, but I wanna see someone destroy Seth.
Fan 2: I’m hoping Defman gets loose and they have to like chase him around with tranquilizer guns. He’s the best cartoon character ever.
Hank Brown: Sir, he’s a real person.
Fan 2: You think you’re tricking me, but I know what’s what.
Hank Brown: OK, whatever.
Fan 3: I want to see Gayfather and Rainbow Brite have a little dance off.
Hank Brown: well, the Rainbow Brite half of that equation would be quite enjoyable. And what would you... Oh, my God, it’s Matthew Steele. He’s come back for one night.
Matthew Steele: Hey, what’s up?
Hank Brown: We’ve missed you here. Where have you been? What have you been doing?
Matthew Steele: So many questions. Well, no offense, but I just want to go inside and enjoy the show. Excuse me.
Hank Brown: Well, it’s certainly a big night when Matthew Steele shows up. First Gravedigger, and now him. I send it back inside. Business has just picked up.
Hardcore Champ Of The Year
Seth Lerch: And now for tonight’s first award, the Hardcore Champ of the year. And to present it...... Cyrus the Freaking Virus.
Cyrus walks out to applause from the older WCF-ers who remember the crazy hardcore bastard who is one of the best champs in WCF history.
Cyrus: Ya, thanks. I think we all know I deserve this award more than anyone else here, but as I was informed backstage when I was asked to present this award, that almost none of you current stars remember me. And the fans apparently don’t matter. So the real winner here never stood a chance. But hey, enough about me. I read the winner, and he knows I’d beat him in reality so without further ado, the winner. The winner of this years Hardcore Champ of the year....
Without waiting for his name to be said Defman stands up and makes his way to the stage.
Defman: That’s right, Hardcore icon coming through. Yea, blow me. I’ll kill you all.
Cyrus: Madd Dogg.
Defman stops in sheer stun. As Dogg stands and walks up to receive his award, Defman turns to glare at him. His music tapers out as he walks up and grabs the trophy. Without saying anything, he turns and starts walking back.
Cyrus: Hey, Dogg, I think you’re supposed to give a speech or something.
Madd Dogg: Nah, Defman looks like he wants to, so he can give the speech for me.
He walks past Defman then as Defman starts to move towards Cyrus, Dogg changes his mind and walks back, pushing him out of the way.
Madd Dogg: On second thought. I will give a short speech. I had to face some of the toughest bastards to keep this title. Cyrus and my feud was pretty damned violent if I do say so myself. Junkyard Justice had a little dumpster full of goodies for me. Well, it kinda went fuzzy after that.
Madd Dogg: Well, I guess that’s about it. I never really lost it. But hell, if it had to be given to someone, stupid Gayfather, it might as well have been PC Cradle. He’s a pretty sick bastard too, and he certainly proved that he was the second most Hardcore bastard in the WCF. The first being...
Madd Dogg: Me.
He turns and walks off the stage after slapping hands with Cyrus. As he goes past Defman, he has to push him aside.
Madd Dogg: You’re in my way... That means move. Hell, I have to do everything myself. You must be about seven kinds of stupid son Good boy to get out of the way. Maybe you’re Mom will buy you a lolly later, and some shampoo, so your hair isn’t such a dumb blue color. You look like a Flintstone, but the sloping brow helps too.
PC stands up and urges Defman to sit as Dogg goes back to his seat.
On top of the roof, above the skylight, a shadowy figure can be seen inching closer to the glass dome above the stars. It speaks, sounding more like a hiss than a voice.
Voice: My prey is sitting right beneath me, ever oblivious to my presence. He has no idea how close he is to absolute terror, to certain death. But he will, before the night is out. Seeeth. The terrible things I would do to you. If the people only knew, they wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. Heh, your time is coming Seth. No one screws me.
Another Voice: Good to see I’m not the only one who didn’t feel like attending.
The figure spins around, revealing himself partially in the dim light.
Voice: I wasn’t invited. Who are you?
Dark Angel: I’m Dark Angel, new here.
Creeping Death: I am Creeping Death.
Dark Angel: Aha, anyone special inside?
Creeping Death: Him. Seth Lerch.
Dark Angel: Ah, the new boss. Nice guy, I thought.
Creeping Death: Scum, absolute scum.
Dark Angel: Oh well, I don’t really care anyway.
Creeping Death: You said you didn’t want to be here, so why are you?
Dark Angel: Seeing the competition. Maybe some future prey. Stalk them while they are unaware.
Creeping Death: Heh, I like your style. I would love to stay and chat but I have business to attend to.
He slides back into the shadows and over the edge of the roof. Dark Angel looks over the side and sees CD on the ground 50 feet below looking up at him.
Creeping Death: Happy hunting.
Then CD disappears inside. And DA shrugs, going back to watching the scene unfold, from above.
Slowly, the glass fogs up and the scene inside fades to commercial.
Dr. Kovorkian wants you. Or your parents. Or anyone else you know who’s sick. No time like the present. Cause we all know you’re not getting any better. Despite what any of your other doctors may say.
FRD Baby Oil, made out of real babies.
And finally, the Racing Network. We know you all really watch for the crashes.
Seth Lerch: Thank God they drugged Defman up like crazy tonight. That situation with Dogg could’ve gotten really ugly if he wasn’t medicated.
Davey Ortega: I’ll still have security watch him just in case. He may not be himself tonight. But that doesn’t mean he won’t try something crazy.
Seth Lerch: Thanks Davey, it’s good to know you’ve got everything under control.
Shannan takes the stage.
Shannan Lerch: Well, this was kind of a last minute award. But this specific person caught Seth’s eye, for obvious reasons, and he wanted to give an award to signify what this person has done for his company. And now for the Manager/Valet of the year award.
Wreck: See, Slasher, bro, I told you coming here wasn’t a complete waste of your time, apparently, Seth appreciates you after all.
Slasher: Yea, I guess so, that’s so cool.
Shannan Lerch: The winner is... Rainbow Brite!
Wreck: What? That’s a load of crap.
Mike Bradley: Ya, you know she just got it cause she has tits.
Elektra: I’ve got tits too.
X-Rated: You sure do honey.
Rainbow Brite walks to the stage.
Abbie: Well, thank you, this was certainly unexpected. And while I’d like to say I was thankful, I’ve got a funny feeling I got this because someone is a leech.
Almost on cue, Seth walks from behind the curtain and out onto the stage.
Seth Lerch: How bout a little kiss to thank Seth.
They grab each other’s shoulders. For a second it almost looks like they’ll kiss, then Abbie rears back and kicks him in the balls.
Abbie: Yea, that’s not going to happen. In this lifetime or any other. Thank the rest of you for this award.
As Seth lays there in agony, he moans.
Seth Lerch: Logan can get play. And from my sister no less. Why can’t I?
PC Cradle: Cause you’re an asshole. That’s why.
Seth Lerch: I hate you PC, someone play the Gravedigger package for me.
As the screen kicks on, it shows nothing but the World Championship belt. Slowly you can see images of Gravedigger behind it, pinning the “Dogg”father, beating down on Bishop, winning the tag titles with his monster of a tag team partner, Mike D.
Gravedigger: That belt has never meant as much to anyone else as it did to me.
The images change to him in his club with Dobbie and his crew, watching the happenings below him.
Gravedigger: Before there was Logan, before there was Madd Dogg, there was Gravedigger, and no one has mattered since.
The belt replaces the screen again. And he has one final voice over.
Gravedigger: You see...
Bobby Dole: Do you want a better future for yourself and your children? Do you want security in these troubling times? Do you want better schools? Welfare? Of course you do. Do you want a man with a track record of excellence? If so, then vote for Dole. There is no more household name than Dole.
Hank Brown: That would be BOB Dole not Bobby...
Bobby Dole: Sure, there are nay Sayers out there, but none of them can argue that Dole means excellence in French.
Hank Brown: What in the hell are you talking about? Dole isn’t French.
Bobby Dole: So vote for Dole for 2004, and insure we both have a brighter future.
The screen fades to black.
Seth Lerch: Who in the hell ruined my Gravedigger package?
Davey Ortega: Apparently, Bobby Dole.
Seth Lerch: Damn it, I worked hard on that package.
Davey Ortega: I know sir. I know.
The scene goes to a back hallway in WCF’s “Spotlight” where a crate is being snuck in.
Neo: Now, are you sure you’re not going to tell Seth about this? I did this special for a few of the guys as a surprise.
Voice from the crate: What the hell is going on? It sure is dark in here.
Neo: Shut up. You’ll ruin the surprise.
Tom: It’s a person in there?
Voice: I don’t know what happened. One minute I’m drinking and the next everything went black. OH MY GOD! IM BLIND!!!!!
Neo: No you’re not. You’re in a crate. Now shut up Scott, or everyone will hear you. (to Tom) You’re not going to tell anyone right? I wouldn’t want this ruined before I get him onstage.
Tom: You have my word.
Neo: Thanks man.
Magnificent Mike Bradley has made his way to the front desk and sees a pretty young girl using a cell phone to call her boyfriend, even though she’s supposed to be on the job. And Mike turns the charm (what little is there) on.
Mike Bradley: Excuse me, Miss.
Girl: Hold on, Johnny, some weirdo is talking to me. (to Mike) Yea, what the hell do you want?
Mike Bradley: well, it’s about your cell phone.
Girl: Make it quick.
Mike Bradley: Well, you see, those things are actually spy devices made by the government. Every time you make a call it sends a slight bit of program into your brain that helps program a chip that the government planted in your head at birth. Every day that code gets a little more complete. Soon, the government is able to monitor your every thought. Even now, they are trying to make it legal to put you in jail for your thoughts. And then, they start sending waves back in so they....
Girl: Yea, that’s great. Real fascinating. You know, I’d love to listen to more, but you’re a real freak and I want you out of my face. (back to phone) Sorry bout that Johnny, some real fruitcake is bothering me.
After a few seconds, Mike gets the hint and walks away.
Mike Bradley: Oh, well, not everyone can be saved.
Two security guards are guarding a small hallway at opposite ends..
Tom: See anything Mike?
Mike Bradley: Not at all. Boring ass job.
Tom: Yeah, but it pays 45 an hour, so I can be bored for that.
Mike Bradley: Yea, my wife loves the pay.
Tom: What woman wouldn’t.
Both laugh, as unaware to them, Creeping Death slips in between them. He cracks Mike in the head with a brick.
Tom: Aw, Good times. Hey Mike, are the kids doing good in soccer? (pause) Mike? Mike? What’s wrong?
He turns to see Creeping Death standing.
Tom: Oh, shit.
Then the lights go out.
Feud of the Year
And now to present the Feud of the Year award, several members of the first and also defunct T.O.T.
Epic: Well, I think there’s one thing we know a little about, and that’s treachery.
Wreck: Why bother reading the nominees. We all know who won. Everybody and their uncle voted for the same feud.
Epic: Right, so let’s see a little footage of what made this feud so memorable.
The screen kicks on.
“Police say that these attacks resemble a bear, tearing people limb from limb.”
Seth Lerch: You can’t face him Cradle, the man is a lunatic. You’re not safe in the ring with him.
PC Cradle: Screw that. No one comes after me, after my family.
Rick Mad: He took your kid. Danny is gone.
The screen flickers to show their match.
Shannan Lerch: The hell these two are putting each other through is unbelievable. How are either of them still standing?
Finally, Defman taps out to PC Cradle, looking at Danny and singing a low menacing nursery rhyme, then laughing hysterically.
Nurse: Mr. Cradle, Defman has gotten out again. He’s after you.
The scene switches to their final match.
Shannan Lerch: PC is being lifted on those metal hooks. .... Oh my God, he’s been driven through the ground. That is horrible. It’s got to be over. NO, Cradle is still getting up. .... Defman drapes the arm, 1, 2, 3. Can he stay down for the ten.... He’s done it. Defman has beaten PC Cradle.
The screen switches off.
Cyrus: That was intense.
Junkyard Justice: Not quite as intense as my dumpster full of weapons, but not bad all the same.
Epic: The award for Feud of the Year goes to PC Cradle and Defman.
Both PC and Defman get up and go to the podium.
PC Cradle: That was quite easily the tensest few months of my life. I honestly didn’t know whether I was going to make it to the next day.
Defman: This is the craziest, most hardcore bastard I’ve ever faced. And no matter how good we were as enemies, we were even better tag partners. Undefeated for those titles.
PC Cradle: Yeah, except for a screw job by a bastard I’ll be tearing limb from limb tomorrow.
Trent Hunter: BORING!
All eyes focus to the back.
Trent Hunter: I wasn’t here, but this couldn’t have been much of a feud. These two like each other. Where’s the blood? Where’s the violence?
Dake Ken: Yeah, this sucks worse than an X-Rated movie. Yeah, double entaundra. I kill myself.
X-Rated: I’ll kill you. You’ll probably be less lame DEAD.
Trent Hunter: Shut up both of you. Unless you two are gonna stop licking each other’s asses, get the hell off the stage. I wanna see some violence. Or some T and A. Or something more entertaining than this mutual love fest. Jesus Christ this is boring.
The camera focuses back on Seth, who has composed himself again.
Seth Lerch: Now, it’s time to honor a special someone who helped me build this company from the ground up. I made a special package to Logan. Role the footage.
The screen fills with a black and white image of Logan. Evanescence’s “My Immortal” plays in the background as we see classic Logan footage. Soon the tune changes to “For the Memories.” Seth almost has a tear in his eye.
Madd Dogg pulls out a little remote control from his coat pocket and leans over to Gayfather.
Madd Dogg: Watch this.
Suddenly, the footage changes.
Seth Lerch: I’ve already given you a blowjob and you’ve screwed my sister. What else is there?
Logan: How bout making me World champ?
Seth Lerch: Oh. Word.
Seth’s mouth drops open in shock.
Rick Mad: So bringing Logan back worked out for you eh?
Seth Lerch: Yup.
Rick Mad: I heard he didn’t want to come back at first. How’d you fix that?
Seth Lerch: Just had to toss his salad a bitch.
Seth’s jaw drops even lower.
Conan: So, why is it that you have stayed in WCF for so long.
Logan: well, it’s simple, Seth is my bitch. And when he’s not fulfilling my needs, his sister is.
Seth drops to the floor in complete shock.
The image of a black man with a Logan mask screwing a scrawny white guy in a Seth mask fills the screen. The Seth mask is of course smiling.
Trent Hunter: HOLY SHIT! Now that’s some funny stuff.
PC Cradle: HAHAHAHA. Bout time. What goes around comes around.
Gayfather: I’d like to say I’m surprised, but no, not really.
Wreck: Damn, Seth. That’s some sick shit. You’re messed up, bro.
Seth Lerch: But, that’s not, I mean, I didn’t... WHO DID THIS. (Dogg’s laughing so hard, he slightly raises his hand) GODDAMIT I hate you. Why? Why?
Seth runs out of the room crying as the show goes to commercial.
Kansas City Cat Adoption. When you need pussy and you need it now.
Curley’s Low Self Esteem Support Group- Starts at 7, please enter using back door.
Taco Bell- We stopped using rat meat. We promise.
After commercial, Seth can be seen wiping his eyes dry in the hallway.
Seth Lerch: I could kill him. Always giving me grief. Ruining my show.
Steve Carr walks up.
Steve Carr: Hey, Seth, I need to talk to you.
Seth Lerch: Yea? What now?
Steve Carr: Two things. Well first. It’s about this show. The ratings. So far, this show has been the most dismal failure in all of WCF’s 4 histories. This has the worst ratings EVER. And that includes the time you had those seventy-year-old transsexual hookers.
Seth Lerch: Sigh, well isn’t there anything we could do? Jump-start the ratings? Maybe some gratuitous nudity? Violence? Rainbow Brite is kinda cute. And Elektra’s hot too.
Steve Carr: Well, that’s the second thing Seth. That little stunt Dogg pulled, mocking you and Logan. Well, that got the best ratings that WCF has ever had in its 4 histories.
Seth Lerch: What? The fans enjoyed seeing that sick little video Dogg put together?
Steve Carr: Sorry, dude, I’m just telling it like it is. Seems Dogg knows what the fans want, and the fans want to see Seth Lerch get knocked off his pedestal and owned like never before. He gave them what they want and they love him for it. Thought you should know.
As Steve walks away, Seth has to re-dab his eyes with the Kleenex.
Seth Lerch: Dammit, why’d I get into this business? This night cannot possibly get any worse.
“Oh, but the night is still young Seth, anything can happen.”
As he turns, Seth could swear he sees Creeping Death in the window. He rubs his eyes and looks again, but he’s gone.
Seth Lerch: Must’ve been my imagination. Dogg’s little stunt bothered me more than I thought.
Tag Champs of the Year
“And now to present this year’s Tag Team award.....”
Rick Mad: Hold it, hold it. Yeah, there was someone else that was supposed to present this award. But my partner and I figured, since we’re the greatest tag team ever, that the Wife beaters should present this award, and then own whoever comes up to claim it. And the winners are....
He opens the envelope and loses the cocky look on his face. Defman stands and begins walking forward.
Defman: Yea, I know we got this one. Best tag team EVER my ass, we...
Rick Mad: Madd.... Dogg.
Defman stops again, a look of absolute fury on his face as Dogg shoves him out of the way.
Madd Dogg: Sit down you dumb jamoke. No one called your name.
Defman: You wanna go?
Security grabs Defman and forces him back into his seat.
Guard: One more problem from you and we’ll send you back to the asylum, whether they medicated your crazy ass to high heaven just for you to be here or not.
Dogg gets in Rick’s face.
Madd Dogg: I’d like to see you own me. I dare you. I’ve wanted to go a round with you so take a swing I dare you.
They look like they’re gonna go at it, but then Rick smiles and steps aside.
Madd Dogg: That’s what I thought. I’d like to say I’m surprised, but I’m really not. To my knowledge, I am the only singles competitor to hold the tag titles, AND I held the Hardcore title at the same time. Defending one or both every week, I was unique in this division, and therefore, here I am. Sorry Defman, once again, your little freak show couldn’t compete.
Kyle Steel: Defman looks like he’s going to explode.
Shannan Lerch: I don’t wanna be here when it happens.
Kyle Steel: If it wasn’t for the medicine, I think he would’ve snapped already.
Shannan Lerch: Well, I mean, come on, Dogg won, he doesn’t have to rub it in.
Kyle Steel: well, you win some, you lose some. And Defman lost this one.
Shannan Lerch: But he did win the feud award.
Kyle Steel: There was no competition on that one really. There were other feuds sure. But none of them really matter once you mention Defman verses PC Cradle. Sure some feuds may have been longer, some may have had more at stake. But no other feud had the sheer hatred and brutality that this one did. It was a no brainer.
Shannan Lerch: Indeed.
Once again, the screen comes on. It flashes pictures of all contenders still in the tournament. With a voiceover by Dole.
Bobby Dole: Who can you put your faith in, when it seems like all has been lost? The US Government? The CIA? The Mafia? The smurfs? All are good answers. But when it comes down to it, no one is better to put your trust in than Bobby Dole. Sure I may have competition, but lets take a look at them. You have to ask yourself. How much do you know about most of these people? Fallen, Cataclysm, Hal Demango, we know nothing about any of those men. They don’t even bother to show themselves. Not worthy of the WCF title. When enemies attack our great country will they come out of hiding then? I doubt it. PC Cradle is homeless. If he can’t handle his own finances, do we want to put the country in his hands. Neo, well he’s a Nazi. We worked so hard to get rights for blacks, gays, and Barbara Walters to just throw it away. Hacker, Creeper, Death, you can just tell by their names that they’re bad people. Gayfather? I’m no bigot, but I think he has a few issues to confront before he holds gold in his hands. And heaven forbid he’s in charge of you and me. Carr and Lerch. Well they OWN this company. Do I need to say anything more? Defman lives in a frigging asylum for Christ sakes. Wreck, well, I’m sure there’s something bad about him, but I didn’t do my homework. And there’s nothing about his name I can harp on. Dark Angel, scary guy, wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley. Hunter is a jerk. And why would you want a man named X-Rated on TV for our children to see? Put the right man in power. Bobby Dole, a man with intelligence, integrity, and intensity. The 3 I’s.
Hank Brown: Sir, that’s already copyrighted.
Bobby Dole: Put a man in charge of you who cares about you, and bringing a sense of family values back to the office. Dole for 2004. Any office I can get.
Shannan Lerch: What an oddball.
Kyle Steel: Yea, I don’t know what the deal with Bobby Dole is. But there’s something not right in his head.
Trent Hunter: Good God, this is boring as hell. Someone give me a gun so I can shoot myself.
Dake Ken: I’ve taken shits that are more interesting than this.
X-Rated: Appropriate that you should be talking about the toilet, cause that’s where your career is right now. BURN. Score one fore X.
Dake Ken: Not surprisingly, I’ve also taken shits that are more talented than X.
X-Rated: What was that?
Elektra: Hey, here’s a novel idea, if you all hate this so much, why don’t we just leave?
All three of the guys look at her for several minutes, with looks of Duh on their faces. Then they ignore her and go right back to their bickering.
Trent Hunter: Hell, this is nothing like an XGWO show. An XGWO show had damn near naked women, intrigue, and violence, not this namby pamby hinty crap.
X-Rated: Let’s play Here and Now, my latest feature.
Dake Ken: God no, we’re bored enough. Let’s not make it worse.
Suddenly, Gayfather jumps on stage.
Gayfather: The crowd is not entertained? I can help. Here, let me do a little soft shoe.
He starts doing an intricate little dance. All in all, most of the people seem to enjoy it.
Trent Hunter: What is this? I said I wanted to be ENTERTAINED. Oh, well, you know what they say. If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.
Taking his straw, he wads up a little piece of paper, and POOF, instant spitball. It flies through the air and hits Gayfather in the head. He looks like he’s about to cry.
Trent Hunter: Now THAT’S Entertainment.
The three laugh hysterically as Gayfather looks like he’s about to cry. Rainbow Brite hurries up and helps him offstage.
Neo and PC Cradle are in the line looking at the huge variety of foods.
Neo: Sure beats when we were at the Church eh?
PC Cradle: Yea, I’ve never seen this much food in my life.
Magnificent Mike Bradley walks up.
Mike Bradley: You two look like intelligent men.
Neo: We like to think so.
Mike Bradley: I’d like to get your feelings on Reality TV.
PC Cradle: Don’t have a TV guy, sorry.
Mike Bradley: I think it’s eroding the very moral fabric of our country. I don’t see how anyone can watch that filth, LET ALONE let their children watch it.... It’s a horrible travesty...
Neo: Yo, dude, said we didn’t have a TV, listen a little bit.
Mike Bradley: Well, how about the homeless epidemic? We need to rid our streets of this plague. The homeless are just slightly less numerous than disease ridden rodents.
PC Cradle: What did you say!
Neo starts holding PC back.
Neo: Here, dude. Let’s go back to our seats. We can eat later.
Mike Bradley: We need to fix the streets... Another blissfully ignorant sheep who doesn’t want to see the light of day. How unfortunate.
TV Champ of the Year
The screen jumps to life as a Dogg jumps against a chain link fence, and DMX’s Ain’t No Sunshine comes across the PA system. Dogg walks out to the podium, TV title still draped on his shoulder. The music dies off and his video stops playing.
Madd Dogg: Kinda appropriate that I’d present the award for best TV champ of the year. Being the current champ and all. I’m not going to bother reading the list of nominees, being as you all know who you voted for. I’ll just read the winner. No real surprise here. The award for best TV champ of 2003 goes to PC Cradle.
Get to the Gone plays and PC starts making his way to the stage when Seth stands up.
Seth Lerch: Wait a minute, CUT THE MUSIC. Now, I am all for the freedom of the WCF Superstars being able to choose whoever they think is worthy for this award. But not him. Never him. No one who has been stripped of the title can get this award, and if my memory serves me correctly, PC CRADLE GOT STRIPPED OF THIS TITLE. So he can’t receive this award.
PC Cradle: You son of a bitch, Lerch....
Seth Lerch: Instead, I’m going to grant the title to a true champion, and a man I think we can all agree is one of the best TV Champions of all time Matthew Steele. Sorry, Steele, we took your music out of the database when you quit. Needed the space and all.
Matthew Steele stands and walks to the podium.
Matthew Steele: Yeah, with how full this room isn’t I can tell you just had to have the free space. Anyway, I’d like to thank you all for this award. I enjoyed my time here. Good times. Good times. Um, I don’t know what to say, so uh, thanks for the award.
Steele takes his seat.
PC Cradle: Seth, you have screwed me for the last time. I won’t stand for this. You son of a bitch. You’re dead.
PC Cradle runs over and spears Seth into the wall. He begins punching away at him and then drags him over to his table.
PC Cradle: You just like screwing people don’t you Seth? You gotta assert yourself. Prove that you’re a big man? Let’s see how big you are when you’re on the floor.
He climbs on the table and with one swift move Cradle Arm DDTs Seth through the table. Seth is unconscious as Security grabs PC Cradle and drags him out.
PC Cradle: This isn’t over Seth. You and me are gonna be in a match. Your ass belongs to me Seth.
EMTs take Seth out of the pile of broken wood and carry him out of the room. All eyes go back to Dogg at the podium.
Madd Dogg: Well, wasn’t that exciting? Well, I’ve got another announcement to make despite the TV title winner. That announcement is that I’m leaving WCF.
There’s a general shock and Gayfather chokes on his cake.
Madd Dogg: I’ve grown bored here. I’ve done everything in my career that I wanted to do. Beaten everyone I’ve ever wanted to beat. And I’ve gone undefeated my whole life.
Defman: What the hell? You didn’t go undefeated, I beat you.
Madd Dogg: No you didn’t. Ask any guy in the back and they’ll tell you I won.
Defman: You son of a bitch. I beat you and you know it. After all the screw jobs, I beat you. And you won’t....
Security moves forward. They grab Defman and start dragging him out.
Security: You were warned. One more outburst and you were gone. Back to the asylum with you.
Defman: I’ll get you, you haven’t heard the last of me.
Davey Ortega: Is it true that you decided to go to XCW over us?
Madd Dogg: Yes, the rumors are true. I signed with XCW a few months ago. But I withdrew my application there the same time I quit here. I’m going back to the streets. Life and death. I can still whoop ass there. And remind people why I’m the scariest bastard that ever was. So to all of WCF....
He stops because Torture is now onstage with him. The two stare each other down for a second. Dogg looks away and stares at his TV title for a second before taking it off his shoulder and placing it on Tortures. He slaps Tort on the shoulder and walks offstage.
WCF goes to commercial.
Tired? Lethargic? Just plain depressed? Need a quick pick me up? Try crack. More efficient than plain old caffeine pills, and much quicker acting. Crack, it’s the new caffeine.
And by the new six hour DAILY show, “The Truth and Nothing But” by WCF’s own Mike Bradley. Don’t get enough lengthy ass boring lectures at church? Waste six hours of your day, every day, and soon Mike will have your worthless ass back on track. Truth, harsher than you remember.
And by Phillip Morris, sure our cigarettes kill people, but they go down sooooo smooth.
Stephanie walks up to Seth during the commercial.
Stephanie: So now that Dogg has quit, the title is vacant right?
Seth Lerch: I’m sorry, this came as a shock for me, I need to start thinking....
Stephanie: Is it vacated or not?
Seth Lerch: I don’t have time for you.
Stephanie: You’ll make time or we walk, and we take your hardcore title with us. I’m not going to stand for someone ignoring my client. He’s far too good for that.
Seth Lerch: This is the second big name I’ve lost and the second title vacated in a few weeks. I’m sorry if I have things on my mind. But I won’t stand for two bit managers threatening me with their clients leaving. If you want to leave fine. You WILL NOT be taking the belt with you. That belt stays here.
Davey Ortega: Seth, you’ve lost enough people, let’s hear what she has to say. Yes, the title is vacated. Why?
Stephanie: Because I’m putting in David’s bid for a shot at it. Madd Dogg was multiple champs at once, we want the same for David.
Davey Ortega: Well, that sounds good, depending on what Seth has planned for it.
Seth Lerch: I don’t know, I’ll need time to think I suppose.
Davey Ortega: Well, then, there it is. We don’t know where we’re going with it. But we’ll certainly...consider your bid. And who knows, maybe David has a TV Championship run in his near future.
Stephanie: Thank you.
Davey Ortega: People skills Seth. You need to learn them.
As Defman is dragged out of the building towards the “wagon” and his gurney, he suddenly breaks away from his guards and runs to the Logan statue.
Defman: Screw you Seth, screw you Logan, screw you WCF. I’m better than all of you.
With a swift motion, he delivers a kick to the base of the Logan statue His guards pull hi away, and strap him to the gurney. As he sits there, they go to open the “wagon” to put him in.
Defman: I showed him. I showed them all.
Suddenly, the statue starts tottering. It falls and lands right on Defman. His guards, the staff all run and try to lift the statue off him, but have to call for some machinery. He’s lost under the statue and can’t be seen, but he can still be heard.
Defman: This is bullshit. God, I hate Logan.
A Logan fan appears to have noticed the wreckage, as he walks down the sidewalk and laughs miserably at the fallen Defman being held down by a Logan statue.
Logan Fan: Serves you right, douche bag.
A ref suddenly runs out and counts the three, with the fans help of course. Logan has beaten Defman.... indirectly.
Seth is in the bathroom when a Spanish announcer walks into the room. He gets to the stall next to Seth and starts to pee. He does the customer look over check at Seth. He looks back at the wall and begins to snicker just a little. He gives a quick second check and busts up laughing. He zips himself up and walks a few feet away. Gesturing with his fingers about an inch apart, he speaks rapid Spanish.
“Ahahaha. Es muy pequeno. MUY pequeno. Adorable AHAHAHAHA.”
As he walks up, Seth looks down at himself and calls out.
Seth Lerch: Oh, come on, it’s not that small.
He looks down again and zips up.
Seth Lerch: God I hate my life.
Shannan Lerch: well, as exciting as this has been tonight, I’ve got another engagement to get to. Sorry, Kyle. It’s been fun.
Kyle Steel: Wait, where are you going? I can’t do the show by myself. Shannan Lerch: Son of a bitch.
Shannan Lerch: Sorry, Kyle, hot date. Wouldn’t pass on it for the World.
As she turns to leave, she’s face to face with Rick Mad.
Rick Mad: Shannan, Shannan, Shannan. Off so soon? But we were so looking forward to having some more fun tonight!
Shannan Lerch: Blow it out your ass Mad. Take one more step towards me and not only will I use pepper spray on your fat, disgusting ass, I’ll also have security beat the living shit our of you, drag you outside, and toss you in the dumpster. I know you get your kicks from picking on innocent women, but I’m far from that tonight. So get the hell out of my way.
She pushes past him, as Mad longs off fondly after her.
Rick Mad: She’s spicy, I like that.
Kyle Steel: What am I going to do? WAIT! The Spanish announcers came tonight. I’ll go get him.
He gets off in search of the Spanish announcer.
Seth Lerch: Due to unfortunate incidents earlier tonight, there will be no more video packages. So piss off Madd Dogg, it’s your own fault that you don’t get a video package. And as for Defman and PC Cradle. Well, I hate you both anyway, so I WIN. HAHAHAHAHA,
Davey Ortega: Sir, I hate to break it to you. But they’re all gone.
Seth Lerch: What?
Davey Ortega: Defman was taken back to the asylum. PC Cradle was forced out. And well, we don’t know where Madd Dogg went.
Seth Lerch: Dammit, another victory celebration thwarted.
Davey Ortega: Well, you do still win. If you want to celebrate, you can.
Seth Lerch: It’s just not as fun if you can’t rub someone’s face in it.
Davey Ortega: Someone’s pouting. Does Seth need a martini?
Seth Lerch: Uh huh.
Davey Ortega: I’ll go get it for you.
After he leaves, Seth realizes.
Seth Lerch: God, he was talking to me like I was six, next thing you know, Dake walks past him, stopping only for a brief second to reach out and....
Dake Ken: GOT YOUR NOSE!
Seth Lerch: God, why won’t it end?
To everyone’s surprise, Trent takes the podium.
Trent Hunter: Ya, I know I’m not scheduled to be up here, but I have my own special little award for someone here tonight. Though I’ve got to say, you’re all boring as hell, there is one special person that stands out above and beyond the rest of you. Burn Out? Where are you? Stand up and take a bow. I had to give Burn Out the Jobber of the Year award. I have faced many opponents in my many years, but I have to say, you are by far, the worst. You didn’t even make me work up a sweat. And you are unique in that respect. So, for sucking the worst out of anyone I’ve ever faced. This one’s for you.
Dake takes the podium.
Dake Ken: And for the rest of you in the Headhunters, don’t worry, we made one for each one of you too. Why should only Burn Out get a crap wrestler award. You all deserve one.
Dake and Trent laugh hysterically and walk back to their seats.
Seth Lerch: Every time I say it can’t get worse it does. So I’m just going to shut up now.
WCF goes to commercial.
Wife left? Kids gone? Dog died? Got fired from work? Seems like it can’t get any worse? Just do yourself a favor and kill yourself. Dead people have no problems. No bills. No worries. So do it. SUICIDE. Not as bad as we once thought.
And Ming Lee’s Pet Cemetery and Chinese Restaurant. You have dead body? We take care of it. And give you free fried rice too. Come on down.
And by George W. Bush. Hell, we got away with it once, maybe we can steal A SECOND election. Vote Anyone you want. It all comes out as Bush.
As the show returns from commercial, we see Death and Tort sneaking up on Neo and Gayfather. As Neo and Gayfather enjoy the show, Tort and Death run up and throw them out of their chairs. While Neo is floored with a quick chairshot, Gayfather is set up for Tortured Death. Tort and Death then roll up Neo and Gayfather grabbing their tights and hold them in a pin. When No ref comes out , both Tort and Death count the three themselves. They then grab the tag belts and quickly flee.
Kyle Steel: Well, that was certainly unexpected. I don’t know what to say about that. Uh, the tag belts have changed hands again?
Spanish Announcer: Oy vey. Es trastorno enorme. Es possible por un perno rapido to resultado en la victoria. Tenemos nuevos champs de la etiqueta.
Kyle Steel: Um, yea. Good call Spanish guy.
Spanish Announcer: Acabo de crapped mis pantalones.
Kyle Steel: What does... On second thought, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.
Seth Lerch: Wait, that’s not a valid tag... aw screw it. Why do I even try anymore? Kinda fits in with the random chaos of tonight. I’ll just get them back tomorrow. What else? What else?
Trent, X, and Dake stand up.
Trent Hunter: Well, as much fun as we HAVEN’T had tonight, I’ve gotta say, we’re out. This sucks and so do all of you. Blow me.
X-Rated: Yea, we’re gonna go watch my latest flick.
Dake Ken: So basically, we’re going to be as bored as we were here?
X-Rated: Let me smack him Trent. Just once. Please? I promise I’ll stop with one.
Trent Hunter: Maybe later. Right now, I just wanna get as far from this hellhole as is possible. Let’s go.
The XGWO crew leaves.
Seth Lerch: Thank you God. One less problem to worry about.
The lights go out.
Seth Lerch: What now?
“And to all you WCF fans, we have a special guest speaker, SCOTT HALL!”
Scott Hall walks onto the stage in his standard gear. He looks at the audience for five minutes.
“Scott. Are you going to say anything?”
Scott Hall: “Yea, who in the hell are you people? Where am I? WHO DRESSED ME LIKE A GAY COWBOY?”
“Scott Hall ladies and gentlemen! Isn’t he funny?”
Scott Hall: Why is this happening to me again? I haven’t had a drink in two....hours. It’s so cold in here. Will someone turn on the heat? I’m damn near naked up here for God’s sake.
Someone leads Scott off the stage.
Seth buries his face in his hands.
Seth Lerch: What the hell?
The Wifebeaters walk up to David Baker and Stephanie.
Rick Mad: Aren’t you two a cute couple? How long have you been together?
Stephanie: We’ve had our arrangement for quite some time now.
Rick Mad: Quite some time you say? Hell, Bob, they’ve been together quite some time.
Bob: Indeed? You know, some states have a thing called common law marriage? After people have an “arrangement” for a while, they are legally married.
Stephanie and David look at each other severely confused.
Rick Mad: Fascinating! Are we in one of those states now?
Bob: We are.
Rick Mad: And any idea on what that time period is?
Bob: Oh, I’d say it’s after “quite some time”.
They look at each other smile, and shrug.
Rick Mad: Works for me. My dear, we’d like to shake your hand and introduce ourselves. We think what you two are doing is wonderful.
Confused, she stands and offers them her hand.
Bob: Glad to meet you, I’m Bob, he’s Rick Mad. We’re the Wife Beaters.
As realization dawns in her face, the two grab her and 3-D her through the table. David gets up a second too late and begins trying to fight them off. After a few punches, both Bob and Rick flee. David bends down to try and help Stephanie.
David Baker: Is there a doctor here?
WCF goes to commercial.
Zoloft. Good for depression. Unfortunately it has a few side effects: forms tumors, can cause emphysema, heart defect, stroke, can calcify kidneys, destroy your liver, cause SIDS in adults, may induce massive vomiting, internal bleeding, hemorrhaging, well you get the idea. BUT AT LEAST YOU WON’T BE DEPRESSED ANYMORE!
And by AnalEze, the brand of lubricant Seth chooses most. When it needs to go easy go AnalEze.
And by McDonalds, honestly, we don’t give a shit whether you smile or not.
We come back and Seth is standing outside as the paramedics are loading Stephanie into the back of an ambulance. David is climbing in with her.
David Baker: It’s all right, it’s going to be ok. You’ll be fine.
Seth Lerch: God, I’m so sorry David. If there’s anything I can do, let me know.
David Baker: Yea, I don’t care what I takes, I want that son of a bitch. Get me Rick Mad.
Seth Lerch: But he’s no longer....
David Baker: JUST DO IT!
The doors to the ambulance slam shut as Seth walks away, sighing. Burn Out and the Headhunters walk up to Seth.
Burn Out: Did you see what happened in there? Trent Hunter made fools out of us. He gave us that stupid award to make us look bad. We won’t stand for it Seth. We won’t. You’d better do something about it Seth. Or we will.
Creeper: And Wreck. In the bathroom. He... he.... he...
Burn Out: It’s OK, Creeper. Seth’s going to do something about it, aren’t you Seth?
Seth Lerch: I... I... (resignation) Fine.
Burn Out: That’s what I thought. Come on guys. I think we’re done here.
Seth Lerch: Why do all my parties have to end with everyone pissed at everyone?
A hand wraps around from behind and grabs his throat.
Creeping Death: Surprised to see me?
Seth Lerch: I know that voice!
Creeping Death: Of course you do. It’s me. The man you screwed over not too long ago.
Seth Lerch: Creeping Death! What a surprise. It’s been...ages.
Creeping Death: Don’t play games with me, Seth. I’m not in the mood. I just wanted to make it well known that I plan on making your every waking moment a living hell. You’re about to find out what it’s like to be in a real life horror show.
Security starts making their way to Seth as Creeping Death backs up.
Creeping Death: Looks like we’re done for now, Seth. But I’ll be back. Count on it.
Security: Are you ok, Mr. Lerch?
Seth Lerch: Yea, I’m fine.
A drunk guy comes wobbling out of the “Spotlight. He sees Seth and walks up to give him a big hug.
Drunk: Hey, great party, thanks for inviting me. I...
He stops as he throws up all over Seth.
Drunk: Oops sorry.
Security: Get him out of here. Are you ok, Mr. Lerch.
Seth Lerch: Not anymore! This was my new suit. GODDAMMIT!
Kyle Steel: That was sure a close one, wasn’t it?
Spanish Announcer: Ay Carumba!
Kyle Steel: Seth just keeps digging himself in farther and farther, wouldn’t you say?
Spanish Announcer: Ay Carumba!
Kyle Steel: I couldn’t have said it better myself.
The camera pans back to the buffet table where Magnificent Mike Bradley has found his next victim, Scott Hall.
Mike Bradley: Dear friend. You look intelligent
Scott Hall: Why in God’s name would you say that?
Mike Bradley: I mean, you look like a man of high class, with high moral character.
Scott Hall: What in the hell are you talking about?
Mike Bradley: If I may have a minute of your time. Where do you see yourself in.....
Scott Hall: I see myself in a room full of people I don’t know, with no frigging clothes on. I’m freezing my ass off here. One minute I’m blissfully drunk, the next, I’m in a shipping crate. What the hell? I don’t even know who I am.
Mike takes a nametag, writes Scott Hal and puts it on him.
Mike Bradley: That should help.
Scott looks down.
Scott Hall: Llah Ttocs?
Mike Bradley: No, you’re reading it upside down. ANYWAY! I’d like to preach to you a little about the beer industry.
Scott Hall: BEER? Where?
Mike Bradley: Now, you see, Michelob...
Scott Hall: Is my favorite.
Mike Bradley: Um, yes, hmmm. It doesn’t pay its employees well. Many of them have been working there for 20 years at minimum wage. They are a drain on our economy.
Scott Hall: But they make a hell of a beer. Excuse me, I’m starving.
Scott tries to pick up food, but at first he can’t grab it, then he can’t get it on his plate.
Scott Hall: Damn drunk depth perception.
Mike Bradley: If I may...
He begins helping Scott with his food.
Scott Hall: Thanks.
Now, as I was saying....
“Excuse me. Excuse me please. Can I have your attention?”
As no one in the crowd simmers, the voice grows more insistent.
“I said ‘Shut the FUCK UP!’”
All the people stop talking. And look forward to the stage, where Tort has returned.
Torture: Yea, I know what you’re thinking. We’re still supposed to be at commercial aren’t we? Well, lemme tell you bitches something, I am a hell of a lot more entertaining than any damn commercial for a butt lube cream that Seth uses. I know you’re probably also asking yourselves, wait just a damn minute, didn’t this dude just take out Neo and Gayfather and run off with their tag titles? Well, yes I did that too. But I had to return to take care of a little business. And it’s worth the risk of a fight. You see, there’s an award that’s not on your schedule, but it’s quite possibly one of the most important of the night. SHUT THE HELL UP WOO! I didn’t tell them what it was yet! Don’t spoil the surprise. As I was saying, there were a lot of nominations going around. Best Hardcore wrestler. Best tag team. Which we should’ve won by the way. But that’s not the point. The list goes on. But in all the commotion, we’ve forgotten one very important category. Self nominations. I have a whole box here of award ideas, and who should get them. So I thought, we need an award for the most self nominations.
Torture pulls out a wrinkled envelope from his back pocket. He opens and looks inside. After he reads it, he feigns surprise, very over the top.
Torture: Let’s see. The winner is... Oh my. I can’t...this is so unexpected... I mean. Wow. Just Wow. DEFMAN. This is a great honor for him. Let’s open the box and look at some of his nominations. Let’s see. Most conceited. True true. Windiest windbag. Oh yeah. Biggest disappointment. No argument there. Oh, best hair. As if. Coolest outfit. Are you a woman? Let’s see. Well, that answers that. Best woman wrestler. I guess that solves that. Good God. This box is overloaded. Best dresser. Best hardcore wrestler. Best smell. Best this. Best that. Looks best naked? Ewww. I don’t think I wanna read any more. But...can’t....stop...myself. Cutest butt? Oh, God, I should’ve stopped..... Oh this is for Rainbow Brite. Well, I guess I can’t disagree with that. WINK! Anyway, I think we can safely say that Defman earned THIS....
Torture reaches under the podium and pulls out a draped object. With a flourish he pulls off the sheet to reveal a mangled piece of poo that looks as if its been sculpted, but you can’t tell to what. It has flies circling it.
Torture: THE DOUCHE OF THE YEAR AWARD! I just made it, and it was a little hasty, so it’s still a little ripe. It smells a little funny, but it’ll sure look good on Defman’s... well what ever they have in asylums for the mentally challenged.. He successfully nominated himself for every category we had and even some we didn’t. CONGRATULATIONS DEFMAN! Proud day for you and your family. From us to you, we just wanted to say, YOU’RE NUMBER TWO! Hahahahaha. Get it? Number two? I took a crap! Oh that’s great! Tort you’re a genius. Whooo. I kill myself.
Suddenly the screen turns on and there’s Def sitting in the asylum.
Defman: If anyone’s gonna kill you, it’s gonna be me. You think you’re funny don’t you little man. I hope you enjoyed your little laugh tonight cause I’m gonna destroy you. I will show you the meaning of pain, and I will make you pray to whatever little God you worship, but it won’t matter because he can’t help you now. You belong to me, Torture, and I will....
Suddenly the screen goes off. The camera pans over and Torture is standing there with the plug to the screen.
Torture: I hate when that happens don’t you. You’re enjoying a good pointless rant that’s BORING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU. I did it again. Two funnies for me ah ah ah. In just a few minutes. TWO? That’s what I made for Defman. Oh, someone stop me, I’m killing myself.
Torture walks off stage still making jokes as some poor janitor has to come clean up Torture’s “trophy”. Someone suggests they actually deliver it to Defman. In the end it is thrown away.
Seth Lerch: God, what else can go wrong tonight? I hate my life. Stupid Torture. Why did I hire him?
Mike takes the stage after Tort leaves.
Mike Bradley: people, people, people. It’s time we had a little talk.
Most everyone remembers good old Mike Bradley from the buffet line. Boos start coming from everywhere.
Mike Bradley: Wait, I have an announcement to make that could effect our very lives. Santa Claus, works for the Taliban. For years, our parents have lied toys and told us the jolly fat man was coming down our chimney to give us toys and candy, but in reality, he’s coming down our chimneys to spy on us, to threaten our very way of life, and to undermine the US at it’s most basic level, the family unit. Listen people, all of his little “goodies” that we find under the tree every year are actually infested with Santa Claus, Or should I say O’Santa bin LadenClaus? Anyway, they are infested with his little spy bots. He is able to spy on us in ouch very homes.
People begin to throw things at Mike.
Mike Bradley: Hear me out people. This year, when Santa is due to come, prepare yourself. Unlike commonly thought, Santa tries the windows first. So make sure they are lcoked and secured. THEN, he tries the chimney, so stoke the fire and keep it raging...
Once again (aren’t you sick of it yet) Bobby Dole pops up on the screen, thankfully interrupting Mike Bradley. He is now standing on top of a flag pole looking down. He has a rope in his hands.
Bobby Dole: Can anyone say they love this great land as much as me? Ask any of my supporters, and they’ll tell you, the answer is no.
Hank Brown: Sir, I keep telling you, you only have ONE SUPPORTER!
Bobby Dole: Dammit, Hank, I have more, they’re just all invisible. Anyway, like I was saying. I’m standing on this flag pole to make a point. I’m on top of things. I can see what’s going down from here. I can see the Johnson’s getting jiggy with it in their bedroom. Yes I’m hip to youngster speak. I can see Old Mr. McCloud burying his wife in the backyard so the cops don’t find her. I can even see little Jimmy going at himself watching gay porn. And that’s what America is about. Diversity. Doing your own thing. Bobby Dole understands this. And as your future president, he supports this. No presidential busybodying here. Do your own thing. Bobby Dole is down with that. See kids. More hip talk. So Dole promises this, if he can’t win this Sunday, he will hang himself from this flag pole, with this rope, as a tribute to this great country he loves so much. As an ever present reminder that Bobby Dole flies with America. So remember....
The rope has looped around his leg and is tied to the top of the pole. He sees this and leans down to fix it.
Bobby Dole: Oops, excuse me, let me fix this.
As he leans over, his footing slips and he tumbles off head first. He would plummet to his death, but the rope catches and he hangs upside down by one leg. He swings back and forth.
Bobby Dole: Well, this is unfortunate. Hank, get me down from here.
Hank Brown: Right away sir. I’ll call the fire department.
Bobby Dole: I do hope they get here in time for me to make the show tomorrow.
Hank Brown: They’re right down the street sir. I doubt it’ll take them five minutes.
Bobby Dole: I just know I’ll miss the show tomorrow.
Hank Brown: Whatever, I’ll make the call.
Bobby Dole: Tell them their president calls on their services.
Hank Brown: But you’re not... whatever.
Bobby Dole: Remember America. This is for you.
The screen goes black. A voice speaks out as the ad goes away.
Voice: This and all Bobby Dole ads are paid for in part by his one visible supporter.
The screen goes black. Mike realizes that regaining attention at this point is futile, so he sulks offstage as WCF goes to its final commercial.
This final break has been brought to you by the WB’s “Charmed”. Sure the acting sucks, but there are hot chicks on there. And you can watch the show, having your little fantasies about the terrible things you would do to these girls. It’s OK, we all do it.
And by Halo 2 for the XBox. Hell, it’s the only real title we have.
And by Temptation Island 43. Sure you don’t give a rat’s ass anymore. But we bet you’ll still watch it.
As WCF comes back from its final commercial, the camera pans outside the new WCF fan hangout, the Spotlight, as Hank Brown is giving a spot.
Hank Brown: As you can see, the line easily extends around the block for the first ever Spotlight event, and the first ever “Slammy” awards. Everybody and their uncle wants into this world famous event. And no one would give up their spot inside for anything!
At that, Trent Hunter, Dake Ken, and X-Rated storm out the door, with Electra and Gretch... er Tiff in tow. Dake and Trent are pushing people out of the way. X is behind them talking on the phone.
X-Rated: NO, I said Garcoine, not some second rate loser like Armani. Have you no idea what makes a good suit? You are absolutely useless. Why did I agree to take you on? Look I don’t care what Seth said... Goodbye.
He snaps the phone shut and yells at it.
X-Rated: Take Armani and shove him up your ass, let him clean all up in there and then throw him in the garbage where he belongs. Geez some people.
Dake Ken: Yeah. SOME PEOPLE.
Trent Hunter: Uh, X, buddy? I don’t think Armani is a person. I think Armani is a brand.
X-Rated: Uh, Trent, buddy? Who’s the world class action star here? That’s right. ME! I think I know what I’m talking about when I say Armani is a guy. Geez.
Trent Hunter: Sure, whatever. Fame to your head much?
Dake Ken: Yeah, some people.
X-Rated: And what do you mean by that?
Dake Ken: Nothing. Nothing at all.
As the fans start to move in Trent moves them off.
Trent Hunter: Back off. Back off. Next WCF World champ coming through. Keep your hands off. I know it’s not everyday that country bumpkins like you don’t meet world class superstars like me every day, but back the hell up and give me some room.
X-Rated: Or world famous movie stars like me.
Trent Hunter: Right or movie stars like him.
Both look at Dake.
Trent Hunter: Or uh....guys like Dake Ken.
Dake Ken: Hey!
Trent Hunter: Don’t worry buddy. We all love you. It’s just well.... Right. Back up. Back ooff the champ.
X-Rated: What he means is...well...no one knows who you are. If you were a famous star like me!
Dake Ken: Then I could have a crack addicted girlfriend too?
Dake Ken: Or be in “GREAT” films like Killed Them Dead. Or Shot them Dead. Or I Killed you Twice?
X-Rated: Those are great movies!
Dake Ken: Yup. Don’t get me wrong I know you were their first choice and all. I don’t think that “talent” like Arnold and Van Damme were too busy or anything. Talent. God I’m funny.
X-Rated: I should smack your funny ass into the after life.
Trent Hunter: Boys, boys. You guys gotta be cool and composed for the cameras. Calm down. I know tonight sucked balls and we all wish we had that three hours of our life back, but calm down.
A little girl comes running up to Dake Ken.
Girl: Wow, a WCF superstar. Can I have your autograph.
Dake Ken: Sure little girl.
He puts his hand out for her book, then grabs her and tosses her into the grass a few feet away. As she lands, he starts laughing at her.
Dake Ken: God, what a joke. Go play with some dolls or something. I have better things to do with my time.
Girl: God, you’re a jerk. I don’t even know who you are. I just wanted an autograph. And you looked like you didn’t have anything to do with your time.
Both Trent and X look at Dake and start laughing.
Trent Hunter: Burned.
Trent Hunter: By a little girl.
X-Rated: Couldn’t have been 8.
Dake Ken: Shut up. God I hate WCF. Bunch of hicks who have never heard of true talent.
X-Rated: They’ve heard of me.
Dake Ken: As I said, they’ve never heard of true talent.
Trent Hunter: Guys, cool it. I just found something that will make tonight NOT be a complete bust.
Dake Ken: What?
Trent Hunter: See that?
Dake Ken: That giant ass tacky statue of Logman?
Trent Hunter: Logan. And yeah. The "saaavior" of WCF. The guy that everybody can’t get enough of. Well, I for one have gotten enough of Logan. Come ‘ere.
X-Rated: What’re we doing?
Trent Hunter: We’re going to go pay tribute to Logan.
The three of them walk to the statue (which has been reraised) and Trent climbs up.
Trent Hunter: Good people of WCF. Fans, cameramen, wrestlers, lend me your ears. You have lost a world champ, but you have gained a true star. Out with the old and tired, in with the new and improved. And to end this craptacular era, I present, my gift to the “great Logan”.
He unzips his fly and urinates all over the head of the Logan statue.
Trent Hunter: Wooooo. Piss out. I mean peace out. And GOOD NIGHT!
The fans boo Trent as the camera cut out and go back inside to the awards show.
PC Cradle can be seen outside the Spotlight in the parking lot. He’s walking around, looking at cars.
PC Cradle: No one screws me. Not Seth, not Carr, nobody. I’ll make him pay tomorrow, but first.
Cradle stops at a nice Rolls Royce circa 1975. With all the customization, it’s easily worth 700 grand. PC grabs his bat out of his bag.
PC Cradle: Never know if it was his favorite or not. But it’s his ride tonight. WAS his ride tonight.
Like a maniac, PC begins smashing the windows and headlights of Seths car, then goes to work horribly denting the body. After about fifteen minutes, he pulls out a knife and stabs all of Seth’s tires. He then looks at his damage.
PC Cradle: Not enough. What was it they told me that night at the diner. That’s right, NAPALM.
He pulls out a small hose and sticks it in the gas tank. He begins siphoning the gas into a small jar and adding small amounts of Styrofoam. After it turns into a gelatin substance, he pours it on the seats and the dash. Tossing in a match, he watches the car light up. After a few seconds the whole thing is a blaze and a small explosion comes from under the hood. A guy runs out with a fire extinguisher, but is unable to put out the blaze. PC just watches from the shadows laughing.
PC Cradle: Well, it’ll have to do til tomorrow. Let’s see him drive that home tonight.
Seth takes the stage.
Seth Lerch: And now, for our final award of the night. The Wrestler of the Year award. This award is given to the brightest star that WCF had in 2003. We have eliminated the World Champ of the year as it would’ve been awarded to the same person anyway. So, actually, this year, we have a tie. The winners....
Gayfather stands and walks to the stage.
Gayfather: Actually, I was told to give this to you. “Someone” forgot to cast his vote.
Seth Lerch: Oh, right. (reads it) Well, in that case, we no longer have a tie. The winner, and, not surprisingly, Wrestler of the Year. Get ready all you boudles. It’s Logan!
Logan’s music plays, but no one comes out.
Seth Lerch: Logan?
Suddenly, the screen kicks to life. It is choppy footage of someone moving up on the side of a house, looking into a window. Very reminiscent of Blair Witch.
Kyle Steel: Madd Dogg said he had this funny feeling Logan wouldn’t show up, so he went to track him down.
Spanish Announcer: Es muy excetible.
The camera looks up and into a window, and we see Logan intertwined in the sheets with some girl.
Madd Dogg: Hey, Logan.
Both Logan and the girl look up. IT IS NONE OTHER THAN SETH’S SISTER, SHANNAN LERCH!
Kyle Steel: Oh, my God, It’s Shannan. This was her hot date.
Spanish Announcer: Oh my god, he’s stuffing her like a thanksgiving turkey!
Kyle Steel: You can speak English?
Spanish Announcer: Yea, almost all of us can, we just never have much reason.
Kyle Steel: OH.
Logan: What the hell are you doing, get out!
Logan goes for his gun and fires a shot through the window. The camera backpedals and runs down the street. Laughing can be heard. The camera spins and Dogg is looking into it.
Madd Dogg: How’s that for you, Sethie boy? That’ll start the year off right! There’s a sight you won’t soon forget. Logan and your sister getting busy. He’s a hell of a lot more than wrestler of the year by the looks of it.
Seth collapses on the stage as the screen goes to black.
Mike starts ranting again.
Mike Bradley: See, the degradation of society, where that’s all people want to see. Gratuitous nudity....
At the same time, Scott Hall finds the liquor bar.
Scott Hall: All you can drink? I’m in heaven. Thank you, there is a god.
Neo tries to hold Scott back, but Hall ends up dragging him across the floor.
Neo: NO, SCOTT! Think of your 12 step. Stay away.
Scott Hall: To hell with you. This is a party and I can still see.
At that time, Dark Angel falls through the sky light. He lands on the floor in the middle of a bunch of tables and broken glass. He stands up and dusts himself off.
Dark Angel: Oops, sorry bout that everyone. OH, look, a buffet table. Dude, if I’d known there was free food, I would’ve come in here to watch the show.
A voice comes over the PA.
PA: Mr. Lerch, we need you to come out to the parking lot, your car is on fire, and we can’t put it out.
Carr comes running up to Seth.
Steve Carr: Good news Seth, I just looked at the ratings, this show was a success after all. It got incredible ratings. The fans loved it Seth. They want more. We’ll have to do it again next year. And the year after, and the year after that.
Seth starts to cry a little.
Santa walks out on stage with 8 reindeer pulling him.
Santa: Merry Christmas everyone.
Seth Lerch: I didn’t hire a Santa.
Santa: It’s time that we all had...a SEXY CHRISTMAS!
He pulls off the beard, and it’s Rick Mad. All the reindeer stand and take off their costumes, to reveal voluptuous woman with bikinis on, with antlers and little puffy tails. Rick Mad takes off the Santa outfit to reveal nothing but a red thong.
Rick Mad: It’s time to have a sexy party! And Santa will show you how to get down.
As WCF goes off the air, the last image fans see is Seth weeping hysterically.
Then the show goes off the air.